Now, I’d hate to see such a place, but hops aren’t essential to human existence.  Take away beer’s other three primary ingredients – grain, water and yeast – from the planet and we never would’ve survived out of the primordial muck.  Water makes things grow and hydrates our cells, grain feeds us and the little critters we also like to eat, yeast makes bread rise and fermentation possible.

Yeast on its own; who needs it?  Water on its own; well, unless you’re swimming in it or really thirsty then it’s kind of boring.  Add malted grain to the mix and now we’re getting somewhere.

The month of May is a perfect time to ruminate upon grain’s role in beer making.  This is when Maibock sees its release upon the market.  The old bock style of beer was traditionally dark, thick and hearty; a food substitute for fasting monks.  Once the Czechs began to fiddle with the arrangement a little bit, the clear, golden version of lager now known as pilsner became all the rage.

Not to be outdone by their neighbors to the east, Bavarians started utilizing a British pale ale method, of all things, on their bock ingredients and came up with what they refer to as “helles,” meaning lightly-colored in old German.  Cold fermentation on grain-rich, malt-forward lager was essential and it’s never much colder than in winter.  The stuff they brewed up in the fall was stored until late spring.  Deemed to be ready for drinking, this new style would be tapped usually around the month of May, hence its name.

Back to grain’s importance… bock beers always showcase their malt profiles.  By tradition, hop’s presence is kept to a minimal seeing as it was originally developed as a food substitute.  Who wants bitter bread, right?  While a grain variant known as Munich malt is usually employed in making bock beer, a Louisiana home brewer decided to use British pale malt to make his beer.

Andy Thomas entered his dopplebock, literally double-bock in German, into the Abita Home Brewers’ Competition way back in ’88 and won.  The brew was so well-received that Abita continues to make it to this day and remains one of their most popular selections.

Andygator is a shining example of Maibock/Helles with shimmering, clear gold color and a pillow-like head.  A decent amount of Perle hops show up in the nose giving out some peppery notes to dance around the scents of red apple skin, fresh pizza dough and hay.  It’s incredibly fruity with lots of apricot and apple right up front followed by Hawaiian sweet bread and a finish of honey that gives way to the slightest hit of hops.  A slightly viscous texture adds to Andygator’s overall rich quality while its 8% alcohol makes this a gator that can bite back.

Provided she’s not the sort to threaten you with wire hangars, get out there and do something out of the ordinary for the old lady. Picnic on our beautiful beaches. Day-trip to the spa. Prop her up on a stack of satin pillows, fix her favorite snack and pop in a copy of “Throw Momma from the Train” while you finish her chores.

Should you wish to take an odd-ball approach to expressing your appreciation for the woman who brought you upon this planet, consider pouring her a beer crafted in her honor. That is, if she’s so inclined to enjoy such a beverage, natch. Preferably, you’ll pick out Rogue Mom’s Hefeweizen.

Rogue Brewery takes their Half-a-weizen Ale, more Belgian witbier in style despite use of their proprietary Pacman yeast in place of traditional Belgian yeast, and tweaks the recipe a bit. The ginger they use in Half-a-weizen has been replaced with rose water, rose petals and honey to create a flavor profile that speaks to all that is soft and sweet about maternal sentiment. Where hefeweizen leans more towards a bright lemon note, witbier showcases banana with slippery, mouth-coating diacetyl (a chemical by-product of fermentation usually found in Belgian blonde ale).

What does show up representative of hefeweizen is primarily in Mom’s appearance. Unfiltered cloudy orange-apricot colors show tinges of golden yellow. Active carbonation lends itself to a puffy head that disappears quickly but leaves nice lacing. Mom’s wheat base gives off nice scents of French bread crust and lemon with touches of banana mingling with the subtle rose. Its slick texture lets the spicy clove, coriander and tropical fruit linger long after the sip. The sweeter pieces of the beer should remind you of your mother’s love while the sour and spicy elements remind you of her stern qualities.

Don’t run with scissors going to the store to pick up some of this one. Cheers to moms everywhere.

Back to the line.  I mention that its intent holds true but in this day and age, it’s all about showbiz and marketing.  In Berkeley Breathed’s fantastic comic strip, “Bloom County,” his characters were wondering if John F. Kennedy would’ve gone as far had he been named Mortimer Dipthong.

Would tough guy actor Jack Palance have done as many one-arm pushups had he stuck with Volodymyr Palahniuk?  Gene Simmons of KISS probably wouldn’t have grabbed as many groupies if he remained Chaim Witz.  Musician Elvis Costello kept a lot of album cover space available by dropping the name Declan Patrick Aloysius McManus.

Nonetheless, I adhere to Shakespeare’s character’s belief.  Cliches are true for a reason.  “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”  “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”  Case in point, Toxic Sludge Black IPA from Blue Point Brewing.

Instead of turning people off with an unattractive name, the brewery is making a point.  Man’s interference with nature has lead to some pretty nasty disasters; something we along the Panhandle are more than painfully aware of only 5 days into the 2^nd anniversary of the Deep Water Horizon spill.  Blue Point wanted to make a beer whose profits benefit wildlife rescue and preservation.  Using a black IPA, in my book, is actually quite the opposite of poor taste.

So its color is reminiscent of something bad that had an incredibly negative impact on all life along the coast.  We all mourn in different ways, I suppose.  Some people need that reminder lest we become complacent, especially those not affected.  Either way, Sludge’s taste is anything but poor.  Toxie is cola-dark and sports a thick tan head of foam that lingers… well, like the effects of an oil spill, not to put too fine a point on it.  The residual lacing is painted on to the interior of the glass; evidence of a strong hop presence.  I know the word caramel is used a lot in describing a beer, but this one has such a natural sweet caramel scent above the dusting of cocoa and big, piney hops.  Like a Brach’s Caramel Crème candy with a note of citrus and forest.  Those hops take center stage on the palate while dried dark fruits and toffee show up to take a bow at the end.

Equally sweet and bitter, Toxic Sludge is the perfect – and perfectly-balanced – embodiment of that famous line from Romeo and Juliet.  Trust me, my name is Bill Schtinkwater.

Hops, or Humulus lupulus, grow in massive long vines like mutant string bean plants.  Because pollinated seeds don’t work in the brewing process, male and female plants are kept apart from each other.  As ancient civilizations began to purposely cultivate hops for use in the making of beer circa 1079, they only had a rudimentary understanding of its preservative qualities.  A few centuries and scientific advancements later revealed that it is hops’ alpha oils that act as an anti-bacterial agent limiting spoilage.

About those hop oils… Hops contain chemical compounds known as alpha and beta acids.  Alpha is responsible for imparting bitterness to the beer; the longer the hops boil in the wort, the mixture of water and malted grain, the more bitter the finished product.  Beta acids, however, can’t achieve isomerisation, or molecule transformation, like alpha acids do.  Instead, their role is as an aromatic agent and hops high in beta are used towards the end of the boil.  If they’re used after the boil – when the beer is cooling – it’s a technique known as dry-hopping.

Conversely, wet-hopping is when fresh whole cone hops are picked and then used in less than 24 hours to ensure the resin is still at its optimal level.  As hop harvesting alone is an arduous task, add to that the cost of quickly plucking, packing and shipping the little guys – usually by air freight – and one can see why most brewers don’t bother with wet-hopping.

Sierra Nevada isn’t “most brewers.”  Their Northern Hemisphere Ale was one of the first wet-hopped ales produced in the U.S.  As they were the first commercial brewery to make use of Cascade hops way back in 1980, they decided to pay tribute to those and one of Oregon’s other big-name hops, Centennial, and showcase their wonderful aromatics.

Northern Hemisphere is brilliantly-balanced ale.  The color is liquid copper like a brand-new penny.  The bonus oil from the fresh hops let the voluminous head stay around for days while leaving behind lacing like the vines that spawned them.  Orchards of grapefruit and pine scents waft out of the beer with a dusty touch of malt.  Much more of the same on the palate; loads of citrus, flowers, grass and resin with a solid malt backbone that’s both bready and caramel-sweet.  Excellent carbonation yields a rather creamy texture while the bitterness is noticeable but not overbearing.

Naturally, one of the items on dad’s list of “no-no’s” and “probably shouldn’t” is limiting or possibly eliminating alcohol.  He’s never been a heavy boozer, but I know how much he enjoys a cold beer at the proper time.  Time to research the healthful benefits of beer lest he has to make one more painful sacrifice.

And guess what?  Beer is good for you!  Much like the “French Paradox” of careful wine consumption and a combination of balanced diet, exercise and time for relaxation, a moderate intake of beer has been proven to benefit the body in the positive.

The value of B-vitamins and minerals such as calcium, potassium, phosphorus, chromium and the powerful anti-oxidant selenium doesn’t diminish in the fermentation process like it does in wine.  Those B-vitamins build hemoglobin, help maintain correct blood sugar and aid distribution of oxygen in the bloodstream increasing muscle activity.

Beer also boosts HDL – the good cholesterol – and lowers LDL.  This thins the blood and reduces the risk of heart attack and stroke.  According to a 1999 study from the University of Texas at Dallas, moderate consumption lowers risk of heart disease by as much as 30-40%!  Beer lowers blood pressure where both liquor and wine raise, reduces kidney stones and, primarily in the ladies, boosts bone density.  The hops relax the system promoting restful sleep and reduction of stress.  It’s high in fiber and cholesterol free.

Dark beer contains more disease-fighting antioxidant flavenoids than light beer, so I’m recommending Lost Coast’s 8-Ball Stout.  It’s a rich, pitch-black stout that gives up a dense tan head of foam.  Roasted oatmeal and chocolate malts provide deep scents of espresso and dark chocolate with flavors of even more espresso, cocoa, smoke, fig and anise.  8-Ball’s thick texture really delivers satisfaction and can quench both your thirst and appetite at the same time.  The finish is long and memorable.

For so long, we’ve associated beer with flabby, out of shape ham-and-eggers.  It’s nice to know there’s more that’s good in our favorite beverage than meets the eye.  Take two of these 8-Ball Stouts and call me in the morning.